Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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