Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
