My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I didn't notice because vodka
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
