My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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