I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Floor bacon is actually really good
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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