Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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