Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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