So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
