Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
