How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
