My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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