your room smells of hookers.
And success
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
