nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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