FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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