i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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