good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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