At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
