walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
