Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
