Pappa wants mamma naked
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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