I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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