i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Michael Bay diarrhea
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sorry about my life...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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