True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
