Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
