Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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