they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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