saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
