I think I won the penis lottery.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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