My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
