Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
