Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
