I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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