dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize