I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Someone signed my nipple.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
