We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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