i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
