In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
