I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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