FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
