two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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