I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
