just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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