Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
