My first STD was from a foam party
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
