i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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