And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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