Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
