Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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