epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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