My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
