Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
