dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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