she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
