I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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