Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
