I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
